Terms of Use

Terms, Conditions & Other Shit You Should Know

Last updated: November 1, 2026

Welcome to Smartass Goods.

We’d rather you spend your time shopping for inappropriate T-shirts than reading Terms of Service, but apparently civilization requires rules. So here they are.

Throughout these Terms, “we,” “us” and “our” refer to Smartass Goods.

Smartass Goods operates this store and website, including the information, content, features, tools, products and services we provide through it (collectively, the “Services”). Our store is powered by Shopify.

These Terms of Service, together with any policies referenced here, explain your rights and responsibilities when you use the Services. They also contain important legal provisions concerning warranties, liability and other matters, so please read them.

By visiting, interacting with or using the Services, you agree to these Terms of Service and our Privacy Policy.

If you don’t agree with them, please don’t use the Services.

Nothing in these Terms limits any rights you may have under applicable consumer-protection laws or other rights that cannot legally be waived.

1. Access & Accounts

By using the Services, you represent that you are at least the age of majority in your state, province or jurisdiction of residence.

If you allow a minor dependent to use the Services through a device you own, purchase or manage, you consent to that use.

To browse our store, make a purchase or use certain features, you may be asked to provide information such as your email address, billing information, payment information and shipping address.

You agree that the information you provide is accurate, current and complete and that you have the right to provide it.

You are not required to create or sign in to a customer account before making a purchase unless we specifically state otherwise.

Certain post-purchase features—such as viewing an order or submitting an eligible cancellation request—may require you to securely access your customer account. Where passwordless sign-in is available, you may be asked to enter the email address associated with your order and verify your identity using a one-time verification code.

You are responsible for protecting any verification codes, account credentials and devices used to access your account and for activity conducted through your account.

Please don’t hand your verification code to random people on the internet. That rarely ends well.

You may not sell, transfer, assign or license your account or account access to another person.

2. Our Products

We do our best to show our products accurately, including their designs, colors and appearance.

That said, screens are weird.

Colors and product appearance may vary depending on the device, display settings and configuration you use to view our store. We cannot guarantee that a product will appear on your screen exactly as it does in real life.

We also cannot guarantee that every product will meet every individual expectation regarding appearance or quality beyond any rights or warranties provided by applicable law.

Product descriptions may be updated or changed without notice.

We may discontinue products at any time and may limit quantities available to particular people, geographic regions or jurisdictions on a case-by-case basis.

In other words: if you love something, maybe don’t wait three years to buy it.

3. Orders

When you place an order, you are making an offer to purchase the items in that order and authorizing us and our payment processors to charge your selected payment method for the total amount shown.

We reserve the right to accept or decline an order for any lawful reason.

Your order is not considered accepted until Smartass Goods confirms it and your payment has been successfully processed.

Please review your order carefully before clicking the final button.

Cancellations

Eligible orders may be cancelled during the 24-hour period after the order is placed.

To request a cancellation, access your order through the link provided in your order confirmation email or through your Smartass Goods customer account and follow the available cancellation process.

You do not need to have created a customer account when you placed your order. If you are not already signed in, you may be asked to enter the email address associated with your order and use a one-time verification code to securely access it.

After the 24-hour cancellation window has passed, your order is released for production and can no longer be cancelled.

If you need a different size, color or item and are still within the cancellation window, you should cancel the original order and place a new order with the correct selections.

Returns & Size Exchanges

Because Smartass Goods products are made to order, we do not accept standard returns for refunds due to buyer's remorse, changing your mind, selecting the wrong color or deciding you would prefer a different product or design.

Eligible items may qualify for a size exchange under our Size Exchange program.

Among other requirements, size exchange requests must generally:

  • be submitted within 14 days of carrier-confirmed delivery;

  • be for the same item in a different size;

  • involve an item that is unworn except for trying on, unwashed, undamaged and in resellable condition; and

  • comply with the one-exchange-per-item limit.

Customers are responsible for return shipping on approved size exchanges. Approved exchanges are also subject to a 25% Size Exchange Fee and any applicable price difference between sizes. If the replacement size costs less, the applicable difference may be credited toward the exchange fee.

Manufacturing defects, misprints, damaged items and items that differ from what you actually ordered are handled separately and are not treated as customer-requested size exchanges.

Submitting a size exchange request does not automatically approve the exchange. Please do not return an item until Smartass Goods has approved the request and provided return instructions.

Complete terms governing cancellations, returns, exchanges, replacements and refunds are provided in our Exchange Policy, which is incorporated into these Terms by reference.

If we decline, modify or cancel an order, we may attempt to contact you using the email address, billing address or phone number provided with the order.

You represent that purchases made through Smartass Goods are for personal or household use and not for commercial resale or export unless we expressly agree otherwise.

4. Prices, Promotions & Paying for Your Shit

Prices, discounts and promotions may change without notice.

The price charged for an initial purchase will generally be the price shown when you place your order and will appear in your order confirmation.

Unless we specifically say otherwise, displayed prices do not include applicable taxes, shipping, handling, customs duties or import charges.

Prices on our website may also differ from prices offered through third-party marketplaces, retailers, events or other sales channels.

From time to time, we may run promotions governed by additional terms. If those promotional terms conflict with these Terms of Service, the specific promotional terms will control for that promotion.

You agree to provide accurate and current billing, payment and account information.

You also represent that:

  • you are authorized to use the payment method you provide;

  • the payment information you provide is accurate and complete;

  • charges made using that payment method will be honored; and

  • you will pay the amounts associated with your purchase, including applicable shipping charges and taxes.

Certain post-purchase transactions may involve additional charges.

For example, an approved size exchange may require payment of the applicable Size Exchange Fee and any price difference associated with the replacement size.

Those charges may be collected separately from your original Shopify order through a secure invoice, hosted payment page or other payment method provided by Smartass Goods or one of our payment processors.

Payment of any required exchange balance must be completed before the replacement item is ordered for production.

5. Shipping, Delivery & Where the Hell Is My Shirt?

Smartass Goods products are made to order.

After an order is placed, eligible items are held during our 24-hour cancellation window before being released for production.

Production time is separate from carrier transit time. As a result, the total time between placing your order and receiving it may include an order-processing period, production time and shipping time.

Delivery dates and transit times are estimates unless we specifically state otherwise.

We are not responsible for delays caused by shipping carriers, customs processing or circumstances outside our reasonable control.

Those circumstances may include severe weather, natural disasters, labor disputes, supply shortages, utility or telecommunications outages, cyber incidents, governmental actions or similar events.

To the fullest extent permitted by law, title and risk of loss pass to you when we transfer your order to the carrier, unless applicable law requires otherwise.

Please see our Shipping Policy for additional information.

6. Intellectual Property — AKA Don’t Steal Our Shit

The Services and their contents—including our trademarks, brands, text, graphics, product designs, images, videos, audio, product listings and other content—are owned by Smartass Goods, our licensors or other applicable rights holders and are protected by copyright, trademark and other intellectual-property laws.

Buying one of our products means you own the physical product.

It does not mean you bought the rights to our artwork, designs, branding, slogans, photography, website content or other intellectual property.

Unless we specifically give you permission, you may not reproduce, distribute, modify, create derivative works from, publicly display, republish, download, store, transmit or commercially exploit materials from the Services.

Nothing in these Terms grants you a license to use any patent, trademark, copyright or other intellectual property belonging to Smartass Goods, Shopify or any third party except as expressly stated.

Unauthorized use may violate copyright, trademark or other laws.

All rights not expressly granted are reserved.

The Smartass Goods name, logos, product names, designs, slogans and other brand elements are trademarks or other intellectual property of Smartass Goods or their applicable rights holders and may not be used without permission.

Shopify's names, logos, products and related trademarks belong to Shopify.

Other trademarks appearing through the Services belong to their respective owners.

7. Third-Party Tools & Services

We use third-party tools, platforms, integrations and service providers to help operate Smartass Goods.

These may include tools used for payment processing, customer accounts, forms, exchange requests, workflow management, fulfillment, shipping, communications, analytics and other business functions.

For example, certain Smartass Goods processes may direct you to a third-party-hosted form or secure payment page in order to submit information, request an exchange or complete a payment.

We do not necessarily control, monitor or manage every aspect of those third-party services.

Unless otherwise stated, access to third-party tools or services is provided “as is” and “as available” without warranties, representations or endorsements from Smartass Goods beyond those required by applicable law.

Your use of a third-party service may also be subject to that provider's own terms, privacy policy and security practices.

Our Privacy Policy explains more about how personal information may be collected, used, processed or disclosed when third-party service providers help us operate Smartass Goods.

We may introduce, replace or discontinue tools, resources, integrations or features from time to time. Unless otherwise stated, features offered as part of Smartass Goods remain subject to these Terms.

8. When You Wander Off Our Website

Our Services may contain links, embedded functionality or other materials provided by third parties.

Once you leave Smartass Goods, their house, their rules.

We are not responsible for reviewing or guaranteeing the accuracy, security, products, services, content or practices of third-party websites.

If you choose to visit or transact with a third party, please review their terms and policies before handing them money or personal information.

Any concerns involving products or services provided directly by a third party should be addressed with that third party.

9. Shopify Powers the Store. We Sell You the Stuff.

Smartass Goods is powered by Shopify, which provides technology that allows us to operate the Services.

When you use our store, your device communicates with Shopify systems as necessary to provide those Services.

Our Privacy Policy explains more about how Smartass Goods and Shopify collect and process information.

However, when you purchase something from Smartass Goods, the transaction is between you and Smartass Goods.

Shopify is not the seller of our products and is not responsible for our products, fulfillment or other aspects of sales between you and Smartass Goods.

To the fullest extent permitted by law, you release Shopify and its affiliates from claims, damages or liabilities arising specifically from purchases and transactions between you and Smartass Goods.

10. Privacy

Our Privacy Policy explains how personal information may be collected, used and disclosed when you interact with Smartass Goods.

Because Shopify powers our store, Shopify also collects and processes information about your access to and use of the Services, including transaction and browsing information.

Shopify may use that information to provide, secure and improve its services, process transactions, prevent fraud and provide other Shopify services and features.

Because Smartass Goods has Shopify Network Intelligence enabled, Shopify may also use information from interactions with Smartass Goods together with information from interactions with other Shopify merchants and Shopify itself to provide Enhanced Services such as personalization, search and product discovery, analytics, fraud prevention, marketing and advertising.

Information may be transmitted to or processed by Shopify and other service providers in countries other than the country where you live.

Please review our Privacy Policy and the Shopify Consumer Privacy Policy for additional information.

11. Reviews, Feedback & Brilliant Ideas

If you submit, upload, post, email or otherwise send us reviews, suggestions, comments, feedback, proposals or similar content outside an official Smartass Goods submission program, we collectively call that “Feedback.”

By submitting Feedback, you grant Smartass Goods a perpetual, worldwide, sublicensable and royalty-free license to use, reproduce, modify, publish, distribute and display that Feedback in any medium for any lawful purpose, including commercial purposes.

For example, we may use customer reviews, comments or testimonials to operate, promote or improve Smartass Goods.

You represent that:

  1. you own the Feedback or otherwise have the rights necessary to submit it;
  2. you have disclosed any compensation or incentives associated with it when required; and
  3. the Feedback complies with these Terms.

Unless otherwise required by law, we are not obligated to:

  • keep Feedback confidential;
  • compensate you for Feedback; or
  • respond to Feedback.

We may monitor, edit or remove Feedback that we determine is unlawful, threatening, defamatory, obscene, infringing or otherwise inappropriate.

Your Feedback may not violate another person's copyright, trademark, privacy rights or other legal rights and may not contain malicious code or malware.

Please also don't pretend to be someone you're not.

You're responsible for the Feedback you submit and its accuracy.

Official Certified Smartass Idea Submissions

Ideas submitted through an official Certified Smartass idea-submission portal, creator program, ambassador program or other designated Smartass Goods submission process are not treated as ordinary Feedback under this section.

Those submissions are instead governed by the separate terms and conditions applicable to that program, including any Certified Smartass Submission Terms, Ambassador Terms, Affiliate Terms or other program rules provided by Smartass Goods.

Those program terms may address matters including:

  • who is eligible to submit ideas;
  • how submissions are reviewed;
  • community voting by Certified Smartasses, Smartass Society members or other eligible participants;
  • Smartass Goods' discretion in deciding whether a submission moves forward;
  • development, modification and production of submitted concepts;
  • ownership and licensing rights;
  • duplicate, similar or independently developed ideas;
  • affiliate tracking and attribution; and
  • compensation associated with qualifying affiliate sales.

Unless the applicable program terms expressly state otherwise, submitting an idea does not entitle the submitter to royalties, ownership of the finished product or a percentage of every sale of a product inspired by or developed from that submission.

If a Certified Smartass submission is selected and developed into a product, the submitting Certified Smartass may be eligible to earn affiliate commissions on qualifying sales attributed to that person's approved affiliate link, code or other tracking method, subject to the applicable Certified Smartass and affiliate program terms.

Sales that are not attributed to that Certified Smartass through the applicable tracking method do not generate compensation for the submitter unless Smartass Goods expressly agrees otherwise in writing.

Submission, community voting or selection for further consideration does not guarantee that Smartass Goods will manufacture, release, continue selling or promote any particular concept or product.

Smartass Goods retains final discretion regarding product development, design, wording, artwork, pricing, production, marketing and release decisions, subject to the applicable program terms and law.

12. Typos Happen

Occasionally, our Services may contain errors, inaccuracies or omissions relating to things such as product descriptions, pricing, promotions, offers, shipping charges, transit times or availability.

We're human. Occasionally a decimal point goes rogue.

We reserve the right to correct errors or inaccuracies, update information or cancel an order when information is materially incorrect, including after an order has been submitted.

If we cancel an order after collecting payment, we will provide any refund required under applicable law.

13. Don’t Be an Asshole — Prohibited Uses

13.1

You may use the Services only for lawful purposes.

You may not use the Services, directly or indirectly:

  • for unlawful or malicious purposes;
  • to violate international, federal, state, provincial or local laws or regulations;
  • to infringe our intellectual property or anyone else's;
  • to harass, abuse, threaten, intimidate, defame or harm another person;
  • to knowingly provide false or misleading information;
  • to send or distribute material that violates these Terms;
  • to send spam, junk mail, chain letters or similar unwanted solicitations;
  • to impersonate another person or entity; or
  • to engage in conduct that interferes with another person's use of the Services, harms Smartass Goods, Shopify or our users, or exposes any of them to liability.

13.2

You also agree not to:

  • upload or transmit viruses, malicious code or similar harmful technology;
  • reproduce, copy, scrape, extract, sell, resell or commercially exploit the Services except as expressly permitted;
  • collect or track personal information belonging to other people;
  • spam, phish, pharm, pretext or use similar deceptive techniques;
  • use robots, spiders, scraping tools, data-extraction tools, automated systems, AI tools—including agentic AI—or other automated or manual methods to access the Services in violation of these Terms;
  • interfere with, bypass or circumvent security measures, authorization systems, robot-exclusion instructions or other mechanisms we use to control access to the Services.

We may suspend, disable or terminate access or an account if we determine that these Terms have been violated.

Being a smartass is encouraged.

Being a malicious asshole is not.

14. AI Agents & Automated Shoppers

This section applies if you use, authorize, enable or deploy an automated or semi-automated software agent to access or interact with the Services.

For purposes of these Terms, an “Agent” means software or a service capable of taking autonomous or semi-autonomous actions on behalf of, or at the instruction of, a person or entity without direct supervision.

14.1 Identification

An Agent may access or interact with the Services only when it clearly identifies itself and complies with the requirements in this section.

An Agent may not continue accessing the Services if we request that it stop.

14.2 Access Controls

We may use technical or other measures to limit whether or how Agents access and interact with the Services.

14.3 Agent Requirements

Agents must:

  • identify automated HTTP or HTTPS requests by including “Agent/[agent name]” in the user-agent string;
  • not conceal or disguise the fact that interaction is coming from an Agent;
  • not mimic human behavior for the purpose of bypassing restrictions;
  • not complete or circumvent CAPTCHAs or similar tools intended to distinguish humans from computers;
  • respond truthfully when asked whether an interaction comes from a human or automated system; and
  • not bypass measures intended to block, limit, modify or control Agent access.

15. Termination

We may terminate this agreement or suspend or terminate access to some or all of the Services when permitted by law.

You remain responsible for amounts owed through the effective date of termination.

Sections that by their nature should continue after termination will survive, including provisions concerning Intellectual Property, Feedback and Idea Submissions, Termination, Disclaimer of Warranties, Limitation of Liability, Indemnification, Severability, Waiver and Entire Agreement, Assignment, Governing Law and Privacy.

16. Disclaimer of Warranties

Information available through the Services is provided for general informational purposes.

We do not warrant that all information presented through the Services will always be accurate, complete or useful, and any reliance on such information is at your own risk.

**EXCEPT AS EXPRESSLY STATED BY SMARTASS GOODS OR REQUIRED BY APPLICABLE LAW, THE SERVICES AND PRODUCTS OFFERED THROUGH THE SERVICES ARE PROVIDED “AS IS” AND “AS AVAILABLE,” WITHOUT REPRESENTATIONS, WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING IMPLIED WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF MERCHANTABILITY, MERCHANTABLE QUALITY, FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, DURABILITY.